Spookychild’s writings

Sophia blinked; tears streamed out of the corners of her eyes. She knew Cameron was there, but she could not look at him. How could she explain why she was the way she was. Considering a relationship before this had always terrified her; there was more to her than loneliness and more to her depression than companionship could fix. There were so many layers and levels of her inside, one minute, she was okay, cuddling and feeling loved. The next, she was alone in a dark void, unable to breathe. And she did not even know where to start trying to fix it.

It was not that she did not want to move on and be happy. She did more than anything. But she knew that all it took was a sound, a beam of sunlight, a sunset, a word; anything could trigger pain deep inside her chest and water streaming out of her eyes. Her mom would say, “Sophia, you need to pray; God will give you peace.” And she would pray and beg and give everything to God, and no peace would come. What did it mean? Was she going to hell? Her mom could be dead, and she was with a man. Did that make her a bad person?

Cameron abandoned the words; he wrapped her up tightly and caressed her head. When she was ready, she could talk to him or not. She could keep it to herself; some of the hurts had happened before he even knew she existed, so long ago. She did not even know why she was sad or depressed anymore. Something had happened to her when she had been a child, and now, she no longer remembered. It was impossible to trace it down to one issue, one instance. Cameron had to accept it and be there when she wanted to talk about it or silently support her.

Sophia managed to stop her tears; she closed her eyes and leaned into the hug, deep breathing her way into moving past the guilt and depression. It was not moving on from it; she let it sink back into the depth where it had been hiding. She knew it would be back later today, in a dream, or after a trigger tomorrow. The only choice she could make was to move past it for now.