Spookychild’s writings

“ No, Ethan replied. His voice changed slowed down. “I told you it wasn’t him that told me to call you. It was all my idea.”

“Oh yeah, OK, I believe you.” She replied, there was a pause and then the line beeped to indicate an incoming call. “Hold on, there’s another call,” Abby said in a monotone voice

 “Really, I’ll wait.” Ethan said.

“ No, don’t bother,” she said, and she switched the lines. “Hello?” she asked. There was a pause. She was about to press the button and go back to see if Ethan was still on the line. But then she heard a sound.

 It only said one word “Abigail.”

She closed her eyes and her hand dropped the pen. She knew it was him.

“Abigail, I know you’re there. Abby Abby” he said the last two words in a singsong voice. It was the same tone that her brother had always teased her when she was up in the tree. “Are you up in a tree? you’re home alone. You can’t see me.”

“What do you want?” She whispered. Saying it more to herself than him

“ I want you Abby. You can’t leave. I’m outside, I’ll see you.”He said.

“ Leave me alone,” she whispered desperately

“ Abby, Abby what shall we do? I can see you,” Abby jerked her head around.  No one was there.

“You can’t. You can’t see me,” she said finally, gripping the phone tightly; “You are just trying to scare me.”

“Why don’t you look out the window Abigail?” Said the singsong voice. “abby abby”

 Abby glanced towards the front window. There was a blue car she could see it parked in the street. She didn’t think, but dropped to the floor around the corner, up into the hall.

“Go way,” she hissed. Feeling close to tears, “go away and leave me alone.”

Since I was a small child, I have believed in God. I remember praying as a child, wide-eyed, looking out the window at a lightning storm, talking to God like he was my father. I never had a father. My father divorced my mother when she got pregnant and allowed her lawyer to give him no visitation. I grew up without cards or presents, or phone calls. My father provided zero contact. He may as well have been dead. But he was not. That is what hurt the most. And my mother never provided a father figure.

But this put me in a unique position. Since I had no earthly father, no father figures, no men of any kind in my life, I could be adopted by God. I spoke to him from an immature age as I would have spoken to my father if I had one. It was not formal; it was not complicated. It was simple.

“Hello God,” I said, blinking back the tears. “I am sorry I have not spoken to you recently. I have been busy with work.” I paused to wipe away some of the tears. “But you know that.” I laughed softly. “You know what I am planning to do.” I paused again, to wipe away tears. “I am sorry I am not stronger. I am sorry I do not have the strength to carry on alone. I am so tired. Forgive me.” I paused again. I was closing my eyes and trying to calm the tears pouring off my face.

I closed my eyes, listening to the wind, birds, and the distant traffic noises. If only I could be a bird or a tree. If only I could live on the hill and never have to talk to another living soul again. I would also take that trade, to be any animal or any plant, to cease to be human. I would become anything other than myself in a heartbeat.

I opened my eyes to look upward again. “God, I will not bother you with why. You already know why. You already know the way I feel. I know it is pointless to ask again, but please, please send a miracle. I know you can. I just hate to bother you. I know you are busy.” I closed my eyes again, as the tears were blinding me. I listened again as the wind dropped off. Now I could hear the traffic noise floating up to my ears from the streets below. The noise of the world I would never belong to. People were doing things and living their lives in a way I never could.

It hurt so badly to wonder why I had been born the way I am. It broke into my mind and the dead center of my chest. Living and feeling like everyone else around you would be simply fine without you, that was me. To feel like everyone knew what they were doing and had someone to hold onto when things got bad. Instead I only had myself to rely on. I was alone, completely, and absolutely. I would never know what it would have been like to go to high school, to go to prom, to have a birthday party to have people who brought me presents or other surprises. It was like being out in the snow, watching a happy family inside a house gathered around a Christmas tree. Each one belonged and was provided for by the others. I would never be part of that group. I would always be the one on the outside in the cold.